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The Jack Tweed Prison Diaries

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Seeing Mr Iweed will be at her majesty's holiday camp for a few weeks we will be presenting some smuggled out letters from the prison (or if you are Tweed Prizzun)you will learn all about his time in clink with visits from some new friends he has made such as Winston and Big Nige :D

I don't care how you look at me
Because I'm the one that you will see
We can make it work
We can make it right
Just give me half a minute & I'll tell you why
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The more I think about it, the more I think the Tweed Prison Diaries are going to be published. On the plus side, it'll make good hamster beddding, cage lining and in emergencies: toilet paper.

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wonder if he will emerge walking like John Wayne?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Lord Gumble wrote:wonder if he will emerge walking like John Wayne?

A van carrying a load of WD-40 was seen entering the prison

I don't care how you look at me
Because I'm the one that you will see
We can make it work
We can make it right
Just give me half a minute & I'll tell you why
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Mr & Mrs Tabbythecat wrote:
Lord Gumble wrote:wonder if he will emerge walking like John Wayne?

A van carrying a load of WD-40 was seen entering the prison



And one of these was seen leaving ...

Image



:colin: :colin: :colin:

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smeggylad
I hope so the scumbag shitehouse ...;)

Gunner 51
at my mental club yesterday we did an art club class an this milf chick lecturer brought in loads an loads of her old chavvy womens mags , :(
How sad are you I asked her ..lol ever the diplomat ..lol
an we spent all afternoon cutting Jade an her twat up for the colours for a collage picture ....Bliss ...Bliss BLISS :)



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Why am I thinking "Deliverance for some reason? gonna grease him up tonight YEE-HAH!

I don't care how you look at me
Because I'm the one that you will see
We can make it work
We can make it right
Just give me half a minute & I'll tell you why
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After he done bird, he'll be able to do this without wd40!!!!!

WARNING ADULT CONTENT :rofl:

Image

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Mike Strutter wrote:smeggylad
I hope so the scumbag shitehouse ...;)

Gunner 51
at my mental club yesterday we did an art club class an this milf chick lecturer brought in loads an loads of her old chavvy womens mags , :(
How sad are you I asked her ..lol ever the diplomat ..lol
an we spent all afternoon cutting Jade an her twat up for the colours for a collage picture ....Bliss ...Bliss BLISS :)


Sounds like a real laff. :D I really ought to start writing again now.

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I was pleasantly surprised to read an article about Jack Slack yesterday:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/columnists ... -21282433/

The bit about the pansy and shower room just rubbed the salt into the wound for him :D :D



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here is the first letter from Tweed to his mum

Dear Mum
Life 'ere at the nick is pretty good, I was shown around by Winston one of the "screws" he said dont bend down in the showers if you drop the soap, I have been befriended by Big Nige who is a 22 stone ballet dancer he said he will look after me if there is any trouble, must close for now as the lads have a welcoming party arranged for me but all I can hear is the sound of flies being unzipped I wonder what that means

Your loving son

Jack

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Just give me half a minute & I'll tell you why
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Dear Mum

What a strange party that was, all the lads brought bottles of water, we had a great time we also had some cakes with icing I dont know what kind of icing it was, but after 3 fairy cakes what Big Nige brought the room start to spin, then I fell asleep, i woke up hours later in bed but i have to tell you my arse is red raw and dont know how it got like that, don't think I will be eating any more cakes in future

Your talcum powder applying son


Jack

I don't care how you look at me
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We can make it work
We can make it right
Just give me half a minute & I'll tell you why
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Dear Mum,
Slight change of plan.
I thought I was going to be in here for some six weeks or so before being offered parole, but my best mate Winston has suggested coming out later tonight if I play my cards right.
I asked him what he had in place, his other half smuggling in a cake with file,(well, it would explain the bulge in his trousers), but he said his plan was to exploit a hole, somewhere in this very cell.

He wept for joy when I told him I was willing to forego any good prison conduct and join him. His chums from D-block are on there way over as I type this, they are all desperate for early release according to Winston.

Mum, I must be blessed with good fortune, as the burly men who have now appeared in the doorway are the ones that spend most of recreation time in the showers, presumably to clean off the soil after their excavations. It must be a tight passage though, as they are now shedding their prison overalls. One has even had the foresight to snaffle a quarter-master sized tub of margarine from stores.

Must go now, apparently the new member is given the only gag and blindfold, to stop breathing in the dirt on my way out. Nice boys, always thinking of my health.

Will contact you as soon as I have got free from the prison grounds.

Your slippery son Jack.

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Welcome to Smeggy's Channel Hopper!

Nice to cya here! :cheers: :cheers:

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Thanks for the welcome, Tabbycat will know me from another forum that relieved me from duty a few weeks ago.

Time to remove these posts though, I have other diary entries if I am not intruding (fnarr)

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Hello channel hopper ... welcome ... :squeeze:



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Channel Hopper wrote:Thanks for the welcome, Tabbycat will know me from another forum that relieved me from duty a few weeks ago.

Time to remove these posts though, I have other diary entries if I am not intruding (fnarr)

Hello CH

You are more than welcome to help me write this

I don't care how you look at me
Because I'm the one that you will see
We can make it work
We can make it right
Just give me half a minute & I'll tell you why
Rough Boy - ZZ Top

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Oh Mum,
Last night turned into a horror story, only the actions of my brave colleagues mean I am able to convey the events that unfolded.

All was going swimmingly, once blindfold and covered in margarine, Winston told me to lie face down on a makeshift trolley that D-block had created to travel down the freshly dug hole. It felt remarkably like the prison issue table, however the creaking and motion once underway confirmed that it had been crafted to move on a track skilfully installed in the tunnel.

Big Nige gave me the pointers on operation, lying on top of me and guiding my hands to a couple of knarled shafts that I should tug on repeatedly to get the kart going. Oh mum, the heat from the tunnel was unbearable, everybody was sweating profusely once underway and I could hear Winston grunting heavily as he brought up the rear.

About three minutes into this part of the tunnel must have collapsed as I felt the full weight of Nige on top of me and the trolley stopped creaking. Luckily the gag stopped me from screaming otherwise I swear I would have given the escape plan away.

I panicked and tugged even harder on the two handles, but to no avail, Nige had passed out and despite my struggling, I was pinned to the tabletop.

About a minute later, one of the D-Block crew went into action as I felt him crawl up and drag Nige off me. He must be an American as I clearly recall him shouting 'rodeo novice', and 'reverse cowboy' in his efforts to free me from my predicament. Once again I started pulling with renewed vigour on the handles which were now very slippery from copious amounts of sweat.

Winston's hands grabbed my ankles and lifted me quite forcefully from the makeshift trolley as something quite long and blunt was used to prod me. After a lot of pulling later another mate had a stroke of genius and emptied what felt like a pot of warm yoghurt onto my back. Indeed it felt like it went everywhere just before Winston gave one or two last pulls on my legs and I passed out from the pain.

When I came to the cell was really much the same as when I started out earlier on in the evening, Winston must have worked through the night to clean up all evidence of the hole. Unless anyone askes me about the failed escapade I think I will keep schtum on the gory details. I will definitely go for a shower first thing though.

Your crusty son, Jack

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Dear Mum,

Tomorrow is Winston's birthday and he wants to have 'a party nobody will forget'.

Trouble is , there is little room, since the wardens moved two special visitors into our cell first thing this morning.

Bubba and Reamer are VIP's, the wardens give them the nod whenever they are on the stairs and from what I saw at breakfast, many others from our block kept a polite distance from them, moving straight to another table.

The governor did post something last week about a couple of category 'A's' moving in which must be the next best thing to mixing with royalty.

Winston says that the evening will be 'sweet', and to ensure festivities go with a bang, he has got a delivery coming in, with 'party hats, lard'n'coke !' (I think he means lardy cake, his Jamaican accent does make things difficult sometimes).

Reamer had a package delivered this lunchtime which is now in the corner, under the basin, I have had a peek, and it's a game of Twister.

Bubba hasn't got anything special in, Winston says not to worry as he will be putting on an unforgettable show, To be honest his tattoos are really something to behold already . He also has a number of metal parts on his body, he set off the detector during a snap search mid-morning. His most treasured piercing apparently is in memory of Queen Victoria's lover of some fifty years, which makes me think about my dearly departed. I have been assured more than a glimpse of 'Prince Albert' tomorrow before lights out if I play my cards right.

One problem is going to be the extra two beds, which limit the floor space somewhat, and could spoil the game, but the warden on our block tells me that 'Reamer and Bubba are the type that rarely sleep when others are sparko on their bunks'.

I am sure this is going to work out well. Since there is little point in having extra beds when nocturnal inmates can easily use them in the time when others are in the yard, eating or in the showers, I have already dismantled them and will put my findings to the governor if tonight works out.

Your optimistic son, Jack

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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Tidy Channel Hopper. Hilarious read!!

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