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The Texas Chilli Contest

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If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter
running down your cheeks then there is no hope for you.
Note: please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, then the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas you will know how true it is.

They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the
rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking at
the astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank who comes from the east coast.

Frank:...... "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at the chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and as I happened to be standing at the judges table, asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in, they asked me to stand in for Judge #3. I was assured by the other two judges (nativeTexans) that the chilli would not be all that spicy, and besides they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, I accepted.

Here is the score call of the event:

Chilli #I: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3: (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff. You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flame out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's After-Burner Chilli

Judge #1: Smoky. With a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chilli.

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chilli #4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chilli.
Judge#3 I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out the taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look hot , like this nuclear waste I am eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1: Meaty. Strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the jug. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chilli #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3: I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried if it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind except that slut, Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chilli #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge #1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho hum. Taste's as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3; he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3: You could put a grenade in my mouth. Pull the pin and I would not feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered in chilli, which slid unnoticed from my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chilli

Judge #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed
out. Fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he is going to make it, poor dude. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?



H :jester:

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Scott Nelson wrote:I love chilli! I want some now! My mouth is watering at the thought of it! :hubba:


This stuff is a nice base from Tescos

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Add a whole onion, three mushrooms and four finger chillies, in a bowl with a little cheese on top, grab a spoon and enjoy. Like chewing fire :thumb:




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Scott Nelson wrote:This is my favourite one:

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*Mouth waters even more* :hubba:


I used to buy their dynamite chilli but you can't get it in Tesco's any more :thumbdown:

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Awww I loved that joke H :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I've been to Texas many times and tasted various chillis! Fantastic/ :thumb: :howl: :howl: :howl:

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Dolls wrote:Awww I loved that joke H :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I've been to Texas many times and tasted various chillis! Fantastic/ :thumb: :howl: :howl: :howl:




Texas is always having cook offs especially chilli. Which I adore.

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Scott Nelson wrote:The dynamite chilli was hot - too hot, in fact, as it used to really hurt the next day when I went for a Tom Tit! :eek4:





:rofl: As my Texan uncle used to say Scott after eating a hot chilli then ice cream.......*Come on Ice cream* :rofl:

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