pic and mix [RIP Hurachai]

[smeggypants]

Woman walks past a building site and one builder says to another 'I'd gìve her one'
She hears him and shouts at him 'men like you disgust me, what makes you think I'd ever have sex with you ?'
The builder replies 'sex? What the fuck are you on about - I was marking you out of 10..

[phild05]

[phild05]

Someone was on the floor gasping for breath offering me a pen, they were so insistent that I have it, then they died. Not sure what the relevance is but I thought it was a magnanimous gesture, even though the pen didn’t work. It wasn’t made by one of the well known companies like Bic, it was some obscure company called Epi.

[phild05]

Recently when my Dad was in hospital we couldn’t remember his blood group. It was lovely to remember his last dying words telling us be positive.

[smeggypants]

[phild05]

[smeggypants]

[smeggypants]

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in, gave him tea and biscuits and said to him, "So, what's this Jehovah's Witness thing about then?"

"I haven't got a fucking clue" He replied. "I've never got this far before!"

[phild05]

[grimtales1]

Two Irish guys were sitting in a bar, eating sandwiches.
The barman says "You're not allowed to eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.

[Dolls]

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[smeggypants]

[phild05]

[phild05]

Poor families burying relatives in their back garden because they cannot afford a funeral, MP claims.
That's what I told the jury ten years ago after my wife committed suicide by stabbing herself in the back seven times.

[smeggypants]

[phild05]

When watching the Countdown 'conundrum' I like to try and knock one out before the dramatic music ends. I'm invariably successful.

[smeggypants]

[smeggypants]

Avoid crying when chopping onions by imagining James Corden on fire.

[Channel Hopper]

:rofl:

Avoid crying when chopping onions by imagining James Corden on fire.

It would be like Dresden in 1945.

[smeggypants]