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Here's making this epic thread a sticky in tribute to a most lovely guy who made us laugh on Smeggy's on a regular basis! Hurachai, known as 'H' passed away peacefully but suddenly on 27th July 2011 of a heart attack. RIP H - never forgotten


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly r eplied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



.................................................................................................................................


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks- 'Where was
your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the
man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's todger is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man 'Sir are you
aware that you are exposing yourself?' Momentarily confused, the drunk looks
down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.......... 'kin 'ell. ----- My girlfriend's gone too!!!!!'


..................................................................................................................................


Don't know if these are true or not?

Good, even if they are not

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


---------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


-------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


----------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


---------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


--------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


--------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."





------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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some gooduns there :rofl:

Trying is the first step towards failure...Homer Simpson
"Ahhhhhh bollox.... whats the point "... Me :D
I would like to thank the MOD for all of their support over the years ...thanks for fuck all :fingers:
do whaaaaaa ? :tizzles:

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hurachai wrote:A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly r eplied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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pmsl!! Loving it!

I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink!

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Another couple to say g'night with



A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."



...........................................................................................................................



"A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'

"I don't remember much after that ...



Bloodguard :cheers:
(Q. Do I contiue posting jokes on this thread or do I need to start another.....Thks)

ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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hurachai wrote:(Q. Do I contiue posting jokes on this thread or do I need to start another.....Thks)


Entirely up to you :)

Toss a coin for it :)

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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER




Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one; sorry. My philosophy is No Pain ...Good
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
( I wish someone would have explained that to me when I was a young boy!!!)
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
----------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
----------------------------------------------------------- -----



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember; "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.

"I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor, still alive...."

"Shoot it", says the farmer, "and then bury him".



A little while later he gets another phone call.




"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera?!"



Image Bloodguard

ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



These are all brill. I love all the ATC related ones, but this is my fave.




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The Greatest Prank Call Ever



ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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brilliant :howl:

Trying is the first step towards failure...Homer Simpson
"Ahhhhhh bollox.... whats the point "... Me :D
I would like to thank the MOD for all of their support over the years ...thanks for fuck all :fingers:
do whaaaaaa ? :tizzles:

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Hi guys a few more


Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else....


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend.... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'


...........................................................................................................



JET FUEL

DAVE & JIM.........MATES FOREVER




Dave & Jim







Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .



........................................................................................................................



Two old friends, Jesse and Rick, were just about to

tee off at the first hole of their local golf

course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to

them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't

turn up.'


'Sure,' said Rick , 'You're welcome.' So they

started playing and enjoyed the game and the

company

of the newcomer. Part way around the course, Jesse

asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'


'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.


'You're joking!' said Jesse.


'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag,

and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's

rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my

tools.'


'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said Jesse

, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to

see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle

and looked through the sight in the direction of

his house.


'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is

fantastic. I can see right in the window.

Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can

see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor

LeRoy in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!'


Jesse turned to the hit man, 'How much do you

charge for a hit?'


'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars

every time I pull the trigger.'


'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you

want?'


'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so

shoot her in the mouth.'


'Then LeRoy , he's always been a friend of mine, so

just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson.'


The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing

perfectly still for a few minutes.


'Are you going to do it or not?' Jesse said

impatiently.


'Just be patient !!! ,' said the hit man calmly, 'I

think I can save you a grand here...'



Hope you enjoyed.................... more will follow


Bloodguard

ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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:rofl: - Nice trio there!! :)

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A cowboy,visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three beers. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Arizona, the other's in Colorado When we all left our home in Texas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three beers and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine ,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

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hehe - wasn't expecting that punch line - nice :)

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Some cartoons for early afternoon cheer

Now remember to sing along now cos' I know you know the words. ( HEY I'm still a child at heart )












ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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Excellent! - Mouse thought he'd got away with it!!! - SPLAT!!! :rofl:

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A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!

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:rofl:

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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of mum Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

ImageLife is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. Image

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

“Oh no....he's awake!!”’


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

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